Manifestation of the Sexual Psyche
Who and what is God?
That is the question I have had to answer for myself. But nearing the evaluation of this query, I am not at odds. I do realize I come from love (the emotional and physical act that birthed me). The detailing of God as spirit is in the committing of one's self to the expression of love, both for the individual and others, for we are a universal community. There are standards set within the understanding of our roles as humans.
Together we are flawed. We depend on each other to prop ourselves up in a political system and a cultural society. Circumstances allow for some to hold superiority above others, doctors, presidents, governors, mayors, CEO's. Even parenting requires an upper-hand whereby the male and female figure suggestively procreate and in doing so are relied upon to raise their children.
Principally mother's and fathers are blessed with the spirit of love. It's necessary to protect the family circle. Then again love is the balancing of hatred and jealousy along with affection and desire. Opposing forces of love and hate are necessary to qualify us as followers of a higher conscience. The ability to seek reckoning and approval. These are the reasons why we come to places of worship, mosques, churches and temples.
I was introduced to the church as a young boy by my mother. There are no representations of my baptism as in photographs. But I have fond recollections of times when my mother and I drove into town to attend church. In the country of Ghana where I was born, I shared a special relationship with my mother, although I had three brothers, was taken care of by young maids and lived for times on end with my aunts, uncles and cousins on my grandmother's compound.
On Sundays, I got dressed and accompanied my mother to church. The building itself was surrounded by sand. I struggled to walk on it in my platform shoes. My mother held my hand and brought me inside where I was amazed by the altar, pews and glowing luminescence. I have faint recollections of the church service, much the same for my attempts at prayer, kneeling down, clasping my hands, closing my eyes to pray.
At that age I had an innocent understanding of God and religion. I embraced the physical activity of going to church as precious moments to be with my mother, similar to driving to the market or school. But somehow it had more of a holy resonance. Circumstance surrounding the sermon and communion were giveaways as to why we were there. We were believers. Notion of a higher calling and purpose was made clear.
Certainly the idea of dressing up, watching as members of the congregation also wore their best clothes, I saw this as a ceremony. It was a ritual which became ingrained on my conscience that every Sunday we were supposed to praise God. It more or less lifted my spirits. As I grew to become more rooted in the experience, I soon started Sunday School. In the company of other children my age, we learned about scripture from the Bible. It was here I shared an awareness of Jesus as the son of God.
At this stage the narrative of Joseph and the virgin Mary and how she gave birth to Christ was standard. There other examples as in Moses and the parting of the Red Sea, the brothers Cane and Able, Jesus and the turning of water to wine and the feeding of throngs with six pieces of fish and loaves of bread.
These excerpts from the Bible were meant to inspire us and challenge our understanding of God and his followers. It created a feeling of clarity in our minds and hearts. As children and followers of God, we were blessed with a newer and bold conscience. I believe this to be the purpose of the church, to create in us a newness, a cleansing of the spirit each week. As far as organized religion and Catholicism, there is a politicizing of what is expected of us, whether it's abstaining from premarital sex or thoughts against abortion.
My practice and faith in God continued when my mother and me along with my brothers came to join my father here in New York. I soon afterwards entered Catholic school. I was taught by nuns in uniforms and we the students wore white shirts with ties and grey slacks for the boys and plaid skirts and white tops for the girls respectively.
Back in the city of Accra, I was educated at the Royal Preparatory. We wore bright red shirts and khaki shorts for the boys and orange red dresses for the girls. There was a cause for discipline as the headmaster whipped students who came in late to assembly and the teachers soaked canes in buckets of water and were free to whip the students as an act of discipline.
The means of creating respect in me and my brothers were examples my parents set in our everyday lives. Going to a Catholic grammar school I learned of a code, how to respect authority, carry with me the notion of God as a superior being. We were taught to bow our heads at the mention of Jesus and I even remember bowing my head each time I walked by the church at school. This time was pivotal in the continuation of my experience with God as the sole provider of a higher conscience.
I continued studies at a parochial high-school where we were taught by several priests and pastors among the teaching staff. Here we were required to wear blazers and ties. In retrospect I see how my education was a combination of following an orderly and systematic lifestyle with the love of self and community.
In recent days to weeks my love of God and that sense of a higher conscience has increased in me. I read from a book on experiencing God everyday. I am more present at church. Somehow I commit to channeling of prayer and having a proverbial conversation with God. This alone has set a path of meditation and link to my higher conscientious self. It has paid dividends in my love for self, family and reintroduction to friends.
There's a changed dynamic in how people who have known me view and accept me. Some embrace the difference. Others are in awe of the presence of God in me and revert to dark behavior such as psychically channeling evil themes. This has been playing itself out in my family. Much like what is expected of me as a man of love, it's my goal to uphold the feeling of growth and experience and further it by forgiving, hoping the worth of love and identity is enough.
Circumstantially, my sexual psyche has evolved. I come from a past where I defined the woman as an object of desire for my sexual drive as well as creative potential. I spent decades making art based on my personal definition of the female. It played itself out in my theatrical pieces and fine art work. My principal definition of who I was an artist was based on my collaboration with muses, musicians, actresses and models.
My sexual behavior stemmed from these parameters. It encouraged a neurosis in me which had built over time through pornography. Currently I am exorcising these feelings. They are taking on the adventures of friendship and love. I have seen the chronology of my bouts with love mature from my love for my mother, first sexual experiences, growth as lover, friend and mentor to the moments when I exuded power in my sexual neurosis based on sexual conquests and unsafe behavior to now positioning myself to generate love, not from the virtual detraction as in my past relationships with virtual women but those involved in my life as people and friends.
In my thought process I view the act of making love as fueled with passion not angst. My fantasies are ever evolving. I channel images of women I desire driven by my conscience not so much articulated through pornography and sexual vixens. I am encouraging thoughts on love.
I commit to family and friendship. I desire women. It's understood as an existence not a neurosis. I am able to conduct myself on human terms not drawn to animalistic behavior.
My hopes now are that with the conditioning of my love of God and commitment to serving him, I will continue to have a deeper meaning and understanding of love, whether it's expressed in a romantic relationship, in the setting of family, society at large or by delving into my conscience and finding my worth as a follower and servant of God.
